How do you react when people are not nice to you?
Do you give them a piece of your mind?
Do you look for a way of retaliating?
Or
Do you pause, take a deep breath and think about the person you want to be?
I know that when we allow ourselves that knee jerk reaction, we lash out, we fly off the handle. And maybe, and I stress on the maybe, we feel good for a very brief moment, maybe it feels as if we’ve been standing up for ourselves in like: “Who do they think they are, treating me this way, talking to me in that way?”
But, is this really so? Do we really feel good afterwards? Or do we feel deflated, empty after being harsh?
What do we really accomplish by reacting in this same negative, often aggressive way?
Can you name one argument that was settled in a satisfactory way, by being at each other’s throats?
Can you recall one loud row after which you felt peaceful and happy about yourself?
What if we could find another way of reacting to harsh words? Of dealing with disrespectful behavior?
What if we could see the other person as an ‘other person’, as a person with his/her own history, his/her own feelings, his/her own thoughts. That would already be a first step in not taking things personally*. This allows us to see that this person is acting from his/her own world, from a place of his/her experiences. When we can look at a situation from this point of view, we know the reaction, the behavior of others has nothing to do with us, it only reflects what that person is going through.
One step further can be to feel compassion for that person. As we all have our issues in life, we can relate to another human being, going through some nasty stuff too. Realizing this, will make it possible to feel compassion for that other person, as we know life isn’t always easy. When feeling compassion, it’s hard to be/stay angry at a person. Imagining someone hurting, will allow us to react in a kind way, instead of giving them even more hardship.
Another tip on handling ‘explosive’ situations, is trying to imagine how you would feel, how you would like other people to react to you, when being in their shoes in this situation? What would calm you down, and what would make you even more angry? When defusing an intense situation, always think of what it is you would like to accomplish, and then figure out what is the best way to get there.
Are we then neglecting our own ‘hurt’ feelings? Are we then only acknowledging their point of view and ignoring our own?
No, I would say that reacting in a kind way, is the biggest favor you can do yourself!
Because when you handle a situation in a respectful way, you feel good! No matter how the other person reacts, you did not lower yourself to that frequency of anger, of aggression, of hate. You remain on a vibrational frequency of respect, of compassion, and of kindness. Being on a higher vibrational frequency makes you feel good, makes you feel calm and content. It does not wear you out, you don’t feel sick afterwards. Being a nice person, treating people respectfully is the nicest gift you can give yourself and others.
My invitation to you all is:
No matter what people do or say, take a moment, breathe, remain silent before you react and consider how you want to feel, what kind of person you want to be.
I guarantee you, once you practice this ‘under-reacting’ for a while, you’ll see nothing but benefits:
In most cases, people calm down and the situation can be resolved in a civil manner with an acceptable result to all parties.
And even if the other person cannot get out of his/her own hurt, out of his/her own vision of the situation, you can remain calm and you will feel better because of it. Because being angry, yelling back, punishing, … only puts us on that low vibrational frequency and that will make us sick in the end.
Hating is like drinking poison and hoping the other one will die.
Love yourself enough to remain calm in any situation.
Learn about the 5 agreements*, practice those every day and you’ll experience how good this makes you feel, you’ll notice how also the people around you, benefit from this way of being. And maybe, you’ll inspire other people to start living by them too. The more people live in this kind, respectful way, the kinder, warmer, nicer the world will be.
The 5 agreements described by Don Miguel Ruiz are:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.
Learn to listen
When you look at them closely, when you really understand what they are about, you’ll see that in every situation, in every argument, in every encounter, one can only benefit form living by those agreements.
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Katrien
*”The 5 agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.